Old Nairobi Blues

This is an old post but a goody

Nairobi Blues - Kenya and more 03-Sep-07

Well gang, I have some time to write.

Is anyone here a golfer?

I am.

I love the game.

It is the only game that you play against yourself and if you cheat, you only cheat yourself.

So I am golfing yesterday.., as I had a half day off.

Royal Nairobi Country Club.

It’s been around for a hundred years.

So I must explain this story for those if you who are not golfers.

In the U.S. we have things on the golf course called ‘hazards’.

They could be a fence at the out-of-bounds line, or a water hole, or a sand-trap, or just some really gnarly bushes.

All of these hazards are very detrimental to your score and one must try to avoid them at all costs.

Let me segway for a moment, as this will have a direct bearing on my story coming up…

Has anyone seen the very old 7-UP commercials with that Jamaican actor who dresses up all in white, looks at the screen, and says (in a very deep voice), “7-Up, the uncola! NO caffeine, never had it, never will! A-HA-HA-HA!!!

Does anyone remember that commercial?

I would also like to ask if anyone has seen the movie ‘Caddyshack’?

Remember the part where that goofy bastard Rodney Dangerfield says to the entire golf course.., “ Let’s Party?” (my words, not his.., he actually said 'get laid')

Okay, back to my story.

This country club was founded by the British exactly 100 years ago.

It is a very nice course with people from all over the world playing it.

It is actually kind of funny to see the Buddists playing in their head-wraps (no offense meant).

So I am golfing terribly, as I have not golfed in about 3 years.

I am on my first loop (round of golf), on the front nine (first half of the course), and I am shooting terribly.

No, no, no.., I mean terribly.

So I found a hazard I have never encountered in CONUS (Continental United States).

Monkey attack!

Yes, that’s right. Monkey hazard!!

Now, if you will close your eyes and picture this…,

I hit my ball into some deep rough, (Now one must realize that Nairobi was cut straight out of the jungle.)

I mean everywhere there is not concrete, there is jungle.

So..,When I tell you that the golf course has a rough…,

I mean it has a place you do not want to go find your lost balls.

So I hit into a very deep patch of tall-grass somewhere around the 7th hole.

Well there is one Monkey (the Perimeter Security Monkey, I am guessing), sitting in a low sapling tree watching me.

As I go into the grass..,

He screams and a hundred heads poke up through the tall grass.

MONKEY HEADS!!!

Well, I should tell you that they do not like uninvited guests for dinner.
So they get all riled up and start screaming and coming after me.

As I am running away through the fairway with a bunch of damn monkeys chasing me,

screaming,

throwing feces…,

(Believe it or not, THAT wasn't the bad part)

I have the entire golf course of really dark black men all dressed up in their golf knickers and polo shirts, laughing their asses off, falling down dropping their golf clubs, and yelling…“RUN, WHITE MAN, RUN!!!” ( in that Jamaican deep voice of the 7-up man)

And..,I didn’t find my ball.

These bastards made me take 2 strokes for a lost ball.

I ask any golfer out there, if a monkey steals your ball, chases you, throws feces at your head, and has his attack posse chase you out of your game…,

Should I be penalized 2 strokes?!?

I think not!

Imagine a bunch of Kenyans, laughing, falling down,and seeing the white man get his due.

I am not lying, they all fell over laughing at me running.

Then some idiot told me to play dead.

Do not do this. It doesn't work!

I am home safely now, but have had to throw out some clothes..,and I have a new respect for golf, and golfing ‘hazards’.

So don’t you golfers tell me about your crappy game you shot and the cheap course hazards!!

More later.

Jimmy B.