A Bad Morning

I'm just thinking about some goofy Taliban up in the mountains somewhere. He wakes up and orders his slave woman to fix him some coffee, then proceeds to beat her for taking too long or it wasn't hot enough. So she goes outside and looks to the heavens, praying to Allah for some end to her suffering, and she sees this in the sky. (see pic)

The other pic is just another windy day in paradise.

So she walks back into the hut or tent and tells Mr. Taliban that his coffee will soon be warm enough, and then she proceeds to run like hell for a cave.

Because the marines just made her morning very good, and the guy is about to have his day start not so good. lol

These are missiles that are about to hit some target somewhere, and make someones' day very bad.

When the marines launch the missiles, they are so loud you think a freight train is coming through the tent.

When I see these missile launches, I like to think to myself that some poor oppressed woman hiding in the mountains is watching from her point above, and smiling as hell rains down on her oppressors.

On another subject, I am coming home on Friday May 1st, so anyone who wishes to meet up for a drink with me and some friends, meet us at Dicks last resort in Chicago at 5 pm.

Almost time for R+R

The camp is growing full of marines, and they now number in the thousands here. I am always amazed by the way the government and the military run things. It is almost as if they have never done anything before. There are so many failsafes for simple things like ordering toilet paper, that it ends up costing the government about twenty five bucks instead of a dollar ninety-nine. The suppliers really have a scam going with the government.
Take a simple fuse. They come single or in a box of ten. Well the government buys them one at a time and all individually wrapped. They do this with electrical receptacles also. A box of ten good high quality at Home Depot might cost about twenty five bucks, but the government also has those individually wrapped to buy, and they are wrapped in some really high end wrapping. It must cost them two dollars just for the containment packaging. So we end up paying about ten to fifteen dollars for each one.
I could go on and on about the governmental waste, but that is like beating a dead horse.

I'm sitting in my office tent and it is about 1:40 in the morning. I have caught the Kandahar Krud again and I am losing my voice.

I hate being sick. IT had better go away by the time I leave for R+R. I am sleeping a lot better now that I have a new and iproved cot to lay on. This cot is a bit wider and a bit longer than the old one. It also has another cot o ntop of it with nobody occupying it, so I get a bit of privacy fro mthe light and people walking by. What more can a guy ask for?

Well maybe a bottle of Jim Beam. LOL

Our Visitor

We had a visitor to the base about 10 days ago. It was the Marine Commandant from the pentagon. This is the same old story from Baghdad. They come out for about a week to give speeches to build morale. I do not know how that builds anything, since it reminds the troops how they cannot go home like he can.

The military brass comes in at the end of the month to the war zone and stay for about 5-7 days. They do this so they can claim exempt on their taxes for both months that they are there. Not bad. Come in for a week, and get 2 months of freedom from taxes.

It is a play right out of our congressmens' playbook.

Has anyone noticed all the tax problems they are all having?

Hmm!

I knew something was up when they were serving steak and lobster.

Did I forget to mention that part? They always serve the best when the brass and bigwigs come out. I guess their in-flight steak and lobster on the lear jets are not enough. The top brass does not fly with the troops, they have luxury jets.

Amazing. The disconnect from those that are our supposed leaders and those they lead, both military and civilian.

Well, I had 2 steaks. Ha-Ha! AND they had A-1

The wind is still blowing, and now there is rain mixed in. The rain is so light, that it evaporates once it hits the ground. Except for last week, when it rained all day and flooded out here.

But the night shift is good and I come home in a few weeks for R+R. I cannot wait.

Pics

Some Pics.

One is obviously of when I was in Kenya on a mission, one is me in the jungles of Sudan next to the Nile, and one is a pic of my chopper and the escort chopper flying over the Afghanistan mountains to insert me into the FOB. THe other two are from the same mortar attack. That is solid steel the schrapnel went through after it went through the cable.

Old Newletter

This joke is from when we were in Baghdad, but is very real and very current for any war zone in the Middle East.

Believe it or not, it is all very true.

You know you have been in Iraq too long when.......


* When mortars land near your compound and you roll over in bed and
think "still way off, I got another 5 minutes"

* When you start humming with the Arabic song playing on the radio on
the shuttle bus

* Every woman that reports to your unit starts looking attractive

* You walk an extra 6 blocks to eat at the KBR dining facility to
have the exact same food they are serving in your dining facility because
you think it tastes better

* You actually volunteer for convoy security duty because you still
haven't seen the country yet

* You start picturing your wife in traditional Arab dress

* The contractors have more fire power than the military combat
units.

* You take the time to add your lines to this list

* You've spent $200 dollars at Haji mart on dvds buying basic
instinct, 9 and ½ weeks, and body of evidence just for the sex scenes

* You drink the water from the tap because you want to drop 20 pounds
in two weeks

* Driving around in SUVs with weapons pointed out the windows and
forcing cars off the road seems very normal to you

* You can put your body armor and helmet on in the dark in under 5
seconds

* When the organization you work for has changed its name more than 3
times

* When you can actually talk to people in the united states on a cell
phone, yet you cant get people on their cell phone a block a way

* When you actually spend more time writing e-mail about the dog in
the compound vs how to conduct the fight in Najaf

* Your idea of a fun Thursday night is to go to the Palace pool to
watch the state department folks get drunk, naked and try to pick each other
up

* When you actually get excited to get a package that contains 3 pair
of socks, 12 bars of soap and a Victoria Secret Catalog

* When you start to enjoy the rocking of the trailer every time the
MEDEVAC choppers fly over

* You memorized every episode from the 4th Season of Sex in the City

* You enjoy the audience commentary while watching a movie bought at
Haji mart

* You see celebratory fire going over the compound at night and think
" wow the colors are so pretty" and want to fire back

* Your thinking of buying real estate in the green zone

* Your idea of sex is 20 minutes of Instant Messaging with your wife
on the computer, Ok 10 minutes who are you kidding?

* You wake up and think Baghdad, I am still in friggin Baghdad

* You make the new guy show you his count down timer just to make you
feel better about your time you have left in country

* You're in the Army and you start saying Ooorah

* You're in the Marines and you start saying Hooah

* You're in the Navy and you realize you are in the middle of the
desert, the exact opposite of being in the middle of the ocean, where one
might normally find the Navy.

* You're in the Air Force, and you're on the plane home because an
Air Force tour is too short to have been a long Iraq tour. Ignore this
list, zoomie you won't get it.

* You only notice the stench of Haji funk when its not there

* You plan on removing all trees and grass in your yard when you get
home so it will look more natural

* You forget there are other colors than brown that can be found in
places other than power point slides

* The temp drops down to 102 degrees and you shiver while reaching
for your Gortex jacket

* You have noticed a change of season, from long, hot and dry to
short, cold and wet.

* When you call home and your kids ask "Who is this?"

* You call home and your wife says hello Bill (your name is Sam)

* When you go on R&R, you duct tape your child to the roof of your
car, hand him a pellet rifle, and assign him a sector of fire for the ride
to "The Olive Garden."

* When you can comfortably shave and brush your teeth using bottled
water, but don't mind showering in the "non-potable" local water.

* While on R&R, you look out the window and find Nature, which leads
you to wonder who stole your sandbags.

* When some of the contractors wear their DCUs more properly than
some of your soldiers.

* When 12 hours is a short work day - you go Battle Captains!

* When, During the BUA, "DIV asked MNSTC-I for the FRAGO that MNC-I
was supposed to publish, but couldn't because MNF-I hadn't weighed in, since
they were too inundated with MOD and MOI war-gaming the JCCs within the ISF
to square us away!" is a valid comment and generates no questions.

* When you start using words like G'day mate, Cheers, and Bloody hell
as part of your normal vocabulary

* When you have your opinions printed in the STARS and STRIPES more
than 3 times

* When the palace catches fire and instead of helping to put it out
you grab a bag of marshmallows and start roasting

* When you step into any office and there are 6 COLs, 12 LTCs, 15
MAJs, and 8 CPTs supervising the work of 1 NCO

* When you end every phone conversation with "Out"

* When you're ordered to get an air mission together on short notice
because it's a "Hot priority" only to have the Major call back once he is in
the air to ask "Does anyone know where I am going?"

* When the weapon buyback program has become so successful that you
have issued the same AK47 to the Iraqi army 3 times

* When you can actually tell the difference between the sound of an
exploding car and an exploding mortar

* When on R & R you tell your wife that your weapon status is Red and
your looking for the clearing barrel

* When on R&R you go to Church and wonder why no one is wearing body
armor or carrying an automatic weapon to the service

* You see an indirect fire attack take out a generator and get angry
at the enemy for not hitting the one that powers your computer

* You see an indirect fire attack take out an air conditioner and
your vigor to fight is renewed

* You yell at the FNG for shouting incoming when the rounds don't
impact close enough to hit your tent with dirt

* You know that you need to run inside immediately after any win of
an Iraqi sports team to keep being hit by celebratory fire

* You decide for that for shits and grins - lets take a run around
Lost Lake at Camp Victory to see if we can get shot at by the sniper

* You never worry about oversleeping because if the morning call to
prayers doesn't wake you, the daily 0430 mortar attack will (most
mornings)

* The highlight of your shopping experience at the PX is to see that
they got in a new shipment of Schick Tracer razorblades

* When you send out your laundry and your whites become grayer, your
blacks become grayer and your DCU's become grayer - makes it easier to sort
loads...

* You get offended by people wearing clean, pressed DCU's

* You decide that it is a better course of action to pull your
blankets over your head than put on your body armor during a mortar attack -
the woobee will save you and at least you are comfortable

* You make a contest out of seeing who can wear their uniform for
more days before becoming entirely disgusted with themselves

* You wonder if the fish served at dinner really was carp caught out
of the Tigris or Camp Victory's lake

* You find it completely acceptable to pick your nose while talking
to a complete stranger or member of the opposite sex

* A rocket or a mortar really isn't a big deal until the crater it
leaves is big enough to trip over in the dark on the way to the latrine

* You go to a social gathering and intermittent gun fire or
explosions don't even cause a pause in the conversation

GOOD DAY BAGHDAD - BE SAFE- RETURN HOME SOON

Old Nairobi Blues

This is an old post but a goody

Nairobi Blues - Kenya and more 03-Sep-07

Well gang, I have some time to write.

Is anyone here a golfer?

I am.

I love the game.

It is the only game that you play against yourself and if you cheat, you only cheat yourself.

So I am golfing yesterday.., as I had a half day off.

Royal Nairobi Country Club.

It’s been around for a hundred years.

So I must explain this story for those if you who are not golfers.

In the U.S. we have things on the golf course called ‘hazards’.

They could be a fence at the out-of-bounds line, or a water hole, or a sand-trap, or just some really gnarly bushes.

All of these hazards are very detrimental to your score and one must try to avoid them at all costs.

Let me segway for a moment, as this will have a direct bearing on my story coming up…

Has anyone seen the very old 7-UP commercials with that Jamaican actor who dresses up all in white, looks at the screen, and says (in a very deep voice), “7-Up, the uncola! NO caffeine, never had it, never will! A-HA-HA-HA!!!

Does anyone remember that commercial?

I would also like to ask if anyone has seen the movie ‘Caddyshack’?

Remember the part where that goofy bastard Rodney Dangerfield says to the entire golf course.., “ Let’s Party?” (my words, not his.., he actually said 'get laid')

Okay, back to my story.

This country club was founded by the British exactly 100 years ago.

It is a very nice course with people from all over the world playing it.

It is actually kind of funny to see the Buddists playing in their head-wraps (no offense meant).

So I am golfing terribly, as I have not golfed in about 3 years.

I am on my first loop (round of golf), on the front nine (first half of the course), and I am shooting terribly.

No, no, no.., I mean terribly.

So I found a hazard I have never encountered in CONUS (Continental United States).

Monkey attack!

Yes, that’s right. Monkey hazard!!

Now, if you will close your eyes and picture this…,

I hit my ball into some deep rough, (Now one must realize that Nairobi was cut straight out of the jungle.)

I mean everywhere there is not concrete, there is jungle.

So..,When I tell you that the golf course has a rough…,

I mean it has a place you do not want to go find your lost balls.

So I hit into a very deep patch of tall-grass somewhere around the 7th hole.

Well there is one Monkey (the Perimeter Security Monkey, I am guessing), sitting in a low sapling tree watching me.

As I go into the grass..,

He screams and a hundred heads poke up through the tall grass.

MONKEY HEADS!!!

Well, I should tell you that they do not like uninvited guests for dinner.
So they get all riled up and start screaming and coming after me.

As I am running away through the fairway with a bunch of damn monkeys chasing me,

screaming,

throwing feces…,

(Believe it or not, THAT wasn't the bad part)

I have the entire golf course of really dark black men all dressed up in their golf knickers and polo shirts, laughing their asses off, falling down dropping their golf clubs, and yelling…“RUN, WHITE MAN, RUN!!!” ( in that Jamaican deep voice of the 7-up man)

And..,I didn’t find my ball.

These bastards made me take 2 strokes for a lost ball.

I ask any golfer out there, if a monkey steals your ball, chases you, throws feces at your head, and has his attack posse chase you out of your game…,

Should I be penalized 2 strokes?!?

I think not!

Imagine a bunch of Kenyans, laughing, falling down,and seeing the white man get his due.

I am not lying, they all fell over laughing at me running.

Then some idiot told me to play dead.

Do not do this. It doesn't work!

I am home safely now, but have had to throw out some clothes..,and I have a new respect for golf, and golfing ‘hazards’.

So don’t you golfers tell me about your crappy game you shot and the cheap course hazards!!

More later.

Jimmy B.